Picture this (it shouldn’t be hard—I’m know it’s happened to you):

You’ve got some free time before work, so you pick up your phone, open Facebook, and start scrolling. It usually happens within seconds: you pause, scroll back, and double take.

Nooooooooo, you moan to yourself, as you read the politically heated post your cousin has just shared, using all caps. Your cousin is fired up. She’s certain. She’s shared a link, as evidence that she is very right. 

Meanwhile, you believe with everything in you that she is very wrong. You also have evidence. You also have links. You’ve also watched YouTube videos, and they all prove her YouTube videos wrong.

My cousin is a better person than this, you say to yourself, to keep from feeling betrayed. If she’ll just read this statistic, she’ll understand how duped she’s been. I have to show her the error of her ways. I love her too much to let her slide down this rabbit hole. I’m going to leave the link in her comments…

Stop! 

Don’t do it! 

There are mindful and effective ways to argue with loved ones about difficult topics. While doing so on social media might feel immediately cathartic, it can also lead to misunderstandings, or no understanding at all.

Instead, let me offer an alternate approach to facilitating challenging discourse with someone you love, the first step being: 

1. Stop: Count to Ten.

Give yourself a time out. Anger is a strong energy. Although it is not wrong to feel angry—it can actually be a very healthy and honest response—it is rarely the most effective feeling to communicate from.

Do not post the first thing that comes into your head. Don’t waste time typing, deleting, typing, deleting possible rebuttals. Put your phone down. Close the laptop. Walk away from the computer. If, after an hour, you still care, and you feel it is a matter of integrity to argue your point, there are ways to do so without attacking and possibly embarrassing or hurting someone you care about.

Instead of using this moment as an opportunity to vent your frustrations in the comments section of your cousin’s post, however misguided you may consider said post to be, you can use it as an opportunity to host an authentic, meaningful discussion with someone you love, about something you disagree with her about.

2. Take it offline: Make a date to talk face-to-face, either in person, or via FaceTime or Zoom.

Do not—I repeat!—do not start an argument in the comment section of a loved one’s social media post. I know there are instances of positive outcomes in comment section debates, but that is for another blog entry. Here, I will respectfully continue to make this point:

We have to practice having complex conversations face-to-face. It rehumanizes us and the discussion, so we don’t feel as though we’re throwing angry words into a bottomless bucket, but participating in a living, growing, changing dialogue.

So much of our communication has to do, not with the words we type, but the tone and mood of our delivery. Online, we lose too much nuance and meaning. We are not able to observe changes in body language, demeanor, and tone of voice.

Further, our dialogue is less likely to go to the dark side when we are not hiding behind our respective screens, alone, silently fuming, trying to one-up each other with each click of the “share” button.

We are less inclined to say a brutally unkind thing to someone we care about when we are looking them in the eye. The physical reminder of them—all of them, not just the idea they are defending, and that we disagree with—will serve as a reminder that while we may not like what they’re saying, we still love them.

So take it offline. Text them directly. Say something along the lines of, “I read your latest Facebook post. I can tell it means a lot to you. I’ve actually been thinking about this lately, too. I was wondering if we could meet up to talk about it, so I could hear more about it from you.”

Don’t use the text to bring up the argument you have in mind. You can do this without being disingenuous or pretending you’re on their “side.”

Remember: you can maintain your sense of integrity without completely bulldozing the ideas and feelings of the other person. In fact, being able to hold another person’s beliefs in kindness should be integral to your sense of integrity.

This does not mean we are not allowed to be angry, or disagree, but we must find ways to communicate our differences without demeaning the person on the other side, otherwise we are only deepening the divide.

If you are unable to text someone directly because you don’t have their phone number, you are not the person responsible to have this conversation with them. Do you have a right to engage with them on social media? Yes. I’d encourage you to keep this in mind though: their original post did not change your mind. You still disagree with them. If anything, their post triggered your sense of loyalty to your own belief, so much so that you’re ready to engage in a all-out Facebook war about it. Consider whether throwing more words into the bottomless bucket is the most effective use of your time and energy. Understand that you will not change their mind by posting links to articles they will not read.

Let me repeat: those links you’re posting in the comments will not get read, unless it’s to gather enough information to form an argument against yours.

(I’m getting a headache just writing about this.)

3. Find the common ground: Ask questions—and listen to the answers.

Once you have your loved one face to face, you may immediately realize that you don't actually want to argue with them anymore. This is good! This is how you know you’re ready to facilitate a two-way dialogue about tough stuff: you care more about the person you’re conversing with than you do about proving them wrong.

Start with a question:

What do you want me to know about ___________?

Then, rather than bracing yourself for what you assume will be a big pile of BS coming your way, keep your eyes on theirs, and let them speak.

And when they speak, listen.

Just listen.

Don’t formulate a rebuttal before they’ve even finished. Don’t tune them out in favor of your own inner monologue, which may be listing all the ways you think they’ve been hoodwinked.

Just listen. 

Listen with love, patience, and a determination to find common ground in whatever they’re sharing with you.

You won’t find common ground by keeping a mental list of all the “wrong” statements they make as they speak. You will find common ground by attending to your loved one’s concerns, and relating yourself to those concerns.

Chances are, while  you may not agree with their opinions, you probably share a lot of their fears and frustrations.

No matter where we fall on the ideological spectrum, we can all agree: our world, its people, its systems, and its institutions are imperfect. We will all benefit by working to make things better.

Whatever our beliefs about healthcare, the handling of the current pandemic, gun law, police brutality, upcoming elections, and the never-ending list of problems to solve, we can all agree that this is a complicated and scary time. We are all afraid in one way or another for the well-being of ourselves and our families and friends.

Listen, and continue to ask questions until you get to that common ground spot. Allow them to pour their thoughts out, without judgement, until you get past their opinions, and into their feelings. Their opinions were most likely gleaned from the ideas and information of others—and that’s what got you so riled up in the first place. That’s what got you pacing around the room thinking, This just doesn’t sound like her.

Let them get that all out. Skim the opinions off the top so you can see what’s really going on underneath.

The goal is to take the conversation out of the head and into the heart. If you can get into a conversation that is vulnerable and trusting enough share from the heart rather than the “links,” you can begin to have deeper, more connective discussions about why this subject matters so much to both of you.

This is your common ground: she cared enough about it to post it on social media, and you cared enough about it make time to discuss it with her. 

This is the space where true change of mind can occur, because rather than approaching the conversation from your chosen angle, you're entering into it with the intention of finding the center.

4. Share your perspective.

Once you’ve found common ground in the discussion, and are sure you both feel safe within that space, you can share your perspective. Even here, however, I encourage you not to get too carried away from the center—from what is real between you and your loved one. Running off a list of stats, or quotes you’ve found online will immediately alienate your listener and swiftly sweep you off your common ground island.

You can be honest without being professorial. Remember, you are not this person’s teacher. You are this person’s friend and family. Speak to them accordingly.

Also, surrender the goal of changing their mind.

It may not happen.

Still, if you’ve been able to discuss a heated topic with someone you love, face-to-face, and really understand where they’re coming from, without trying to change their mind, and they have done the same for you, you will have achieved something more profound, more effective, and more human than any heated social media war ever will.

You will have achieved authentic communication. 

5. Wrap it up.

One of the hardest parts about online arguments is it’s hard to know when they're finished. It may take 12 hours before you receive a reply to your latest comment, if you get one at all. Our attention spans may take us elsewhere before we have time to close things up, or finish on a “positive note.”

Face-to-face conversation must be wrapped up, though. There’s no way out of it. This is a good thing. You can use your goodbye as a way to create a positive sense of closure. This could mean one of you concedes to the other, or that you simply agree to disagree.

Whether or not either of you has been persuaded by the other’s argument, you have the power to end on a positive note.

Say thank you. Your loved one has made the effort to show up, and has been trusting enough to share their thoughts with you, and loved you enough to hear you out as well, even if they disagreed with you. What this shows is that they love you no matter what. And that’s a sentiment that often gets lost in translation online.

When you’re looking each other in the eye, after pouring your hearts out to one another, opinions become less important than the authentic, human presence you’ve experienced. Even if you’ve “lost” the argument, you’ve gained trust and deepened a connection with someone you love.

Thank them, and hug it out.

The only way we will see an end to the ever-evolving divisions growing out of our nation’s culture wars, is if we work harder at finding common ground than we do at protecting private territory.

We do this by venturing off our own little bit of land, and meeting someone we love in a neutral space, to discuss hard things with as much forgiveness and courage as we can muster.

Rumi writes,

“Every war and every conflict between human beings has happened because of some disagreement about “names.” It’s such unnecessary foolishness, because just beyond the arguing, there’s a long table of companionship, set and waiting for us to sit down.”

I invite you to step away from the bottomless bucket our online community has become. Join me at Rumi’s long table of companionship.

Bring a friend.

Keep the conversation going.

Do you have any insights, advice, or stories you’d like to share?

Leave them in the comments below, so we can all learn together.

More Resources

• Tara Brach’s talk, Awakening from the Trance of Bad-Othering, explores the process that helps us shift our perception of those who disagree with us away from “other” or “bad,” and allows us to respond with love-in-action.

• The Art of Communicating is a short book about exactly that, written by one of the greatest living teachers in the world, Thich Nhat Hanh. It is a simple but profound collection of meditative reflections about healthy and helpful communication.