“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

— Anaïs Nin

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I decided to let everything go—

Every friendship that made me feel lonelier than when I was alone.

Every dietary restriction that left me feeling empty and deprived me of joy.

Every disciplined routine that crowded out my sense of whimsy and imagination.

Every workout that left my body exhausted and anxious.

Every goal that made me feel as if I wasn't already good enough.

Every self-imposed expectation that I would be and do anything for anyone else.

I’d had enough of doing anything for anyone else.

I wanted to do something for me.

I loosened my fingers and let the things I’d been clinging so tightly to

slip away.

(I made peace with the possibility of my hands remaining empty.)

Better an open hand than a closed fist.

I trembled. I wept. I cried out,

Why me?

Why must it always be me who lets everything go and loses it all?

But when the storm in my heart had passed,

the sun broke out across the sky

like a search light

to find me, soft and strong as a newly bloomed

rose.

And then I knew I hadn’t let anything go, as much as I’d set myself free.

x. jamie

“The surrender we were so frightened of turns out to be not defeat but a kind of victory.”

— Ram Dass

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