On The Mat | Training With Maty - Week Two
“It’s about the process,
not the pose.”
The Messy Middle
"The middle is messy, but it's also where the magic happens." [Brené Brown]
So passes the second week of my 100 hour training with Maty.
I am tired.
It's not easy to write that. I know many of you are thinking, "But all you're doing is yoga all day, for three weeks--you're so lucky! I wish I could take three weeks off of life to do something like that. Why are you complaining?"
Yes, it's a dream come true. But it's more complicated than that, and it would be disingenuous and not very helpful of me to allow the impression that everything is easy and great all the time.
Here's the thing: yoga is hard. It's not just physically demanding, but also requires a relentless amount of mental focus and will. On top of that, you're cracking your energetic centers open as you practice, so often times you may feel a deluge of emotions, seemingly out of nowhere, that beg to be processed.
And "luck" has had nothing to do with it. It's been a matter of pure, unflinching discipline and devotion that's brought me to my mat, every day for nearly a decade. Missing friends' birthday parties, baby showers, family events, my first wedding anniversary. Saying "no" to certain food and drinks. Working extra hours at my job to be able to pay for extended trainings and workshops, etc.
I've gotten here through literal sweat and tears.
But I'm here, so everything should be smooth sailin' now, right?
Unfortunately, that's not how yoga, or life, work.
This week, the messy middle of my training, was challenging. The novelty of my 3 hour commute to Santa Monica and back had quickly worn off. My body was sore and exhausted in nooks and crannies I didn't even know it contained. My heart was overwhelmed by the deluge of raw emotions I continued to feel bombarded with as I open-open-opened. And my mind was proving to be a stubborn opponent in my journey, providing excuse after excuse why I'd had enough, and should just stay in bed, get more sleep, eat something "comforting," tune-out with bad tv.
I wanted to check out.
The Process
Most everyone in my training was feeling the same way. We were getting tired, feeling frustrated with ourselves, and starting to look for ways out.
Maty decided it was time for a pep talk.
"It's about the process," she said, "not the pose."
She went on to encourage us to forget about the "final pose," asking, "Is that really why any of you came to yoga? To do a handstand? I doubt it."
She was so right! I rewound my memory to my very first yoga class: I was nervous, hiding in the back of the room, terrified for anyone to notice me, and was just hoping that I'd get to a point where I could sit comfortably with my legs crossed.
I didn't come to yoga because I thought I needed to be harder on myself, or that I needed to do more.
I came to yoga because I wanted to feel more comfortable in my life. I wanted to be happy.
So be comfortable, I thought. Find a way to be okay with being tired and cranky. Let yourself be. This is the process.
The process is yoga.
The magic begins in the Mess
One of my favorite quotes about yoga comes from Baron Baptiste,
"The pose begins when you want to come out of it."
This quote as proved a faithful encourager countless times in my practice. When I'm trembling and resisting in a particularly challenging asana. When I want to give up and go home because it doesn't feel like I'm making any progress. When I'd rather be shopping, or brunching, or partying.
When I want to check out--that is when it's most important to tune in.
"The middle is messy, but it's also where the magic happens."
The beginning of my journey? It's long gone.
The boat has left the shore.
I can't even see the shore anymore.
And it may be a very long time until I see land again.
I need to get comfortable with that idea. I need to learn to balance in choppy water. I need to learn to keep my gaze toward where I'm headed, even when the destination is still far out of sight.
This is the process. This is where my story unfolds.
My lesson is to be here, in body, heart, and mind. To experience, to know it, rather than trying frantically to jump ahead to some hero's ending.
This is my life. It's messy, complicated, and that's okay.
It's perfect.
It's perfectly me.
Further Reading
Practice With Maty - Week Three