On The Mat | Training With Maty - Week One
“Be patient. Wait for the pose to become quiet
and interesting.”
A Whole Lotta Drama
It was about a month and a half ago. I was sitting in my parked car, with a few minutes to kill before I headed into the yoga studio, and I was freaking out.
I was starting to get really nervous, in anticipation for my upcoming 100 hour training with my teacher, Maty. Maty is an internationally renowned yoga teacher, who travels all over the world to do her work, so it's a rare thing to get 3 weeks of practice with her. I should have been over the moon!
But I was creating all kinds of drama around it. I was doubting the whole thing: the commute, the time away from work, the cost. It was going to be so hard. I was even questioning whether I was worthy to do it.
I wanted an out. Do you ever do that? Take something good, and over-think it until you start dreading it? It's amazing how dramatically we can transform something in our mind.
Anyway, I'd gone there. I'd taken this beautiful opportunity to practice with my teacher, and transformed it into plans I wanted to flake on.
That's why, as I sat in my car, killing time before yoga, I asked for a "sign." (Don't roll your eyes--you've done it too. And I'd venture to guess you've done it more than once. And the reason you've done it more than once is because it works.)
, Anondea Judith writes,
“The Universe forms itself around your questions. It’s as if your question is a tagline typed into a cosmic search engine that then calls up all the appropriate sites where your question might be answered. It draws information toward you.
Consider and craft your question during meditation or while you take a shower, make your coffee, go to the gym, or drive to work. When your question is well crafted, send it out into the Universe, to Source, or to God. Then let it go. Empty your mind to receive the answer. It may come immediately, or it may take some time. Simply prepare yourself to receive it whenever and however it comes.”
I kept my question simple: I closed my eyes, steadied my breath, and asked for assurance, either way, that I should keep my plans with Maty. Then I hopped out of my car and into the yoga studio, unrolled my mat, and let it go.
I Saw The Sign | And It Gave Me Peace Of Mind
And what do you know? Within the first few minutes of my yoga practice, the question rolled right back to me. As my body began to move and unwind, so did my mind.
I don't know how to describe the head-trip I went on in any other way than this: it was like I was being escorted through a house of mirrors that I'd built, and being shown all the excuses I'd set up to confuse and misdirect myself, and to keep me from moving straight forward through the house. As I'd look into a "mirror," I'd see another excuse I'd used--
- The commute is going to be too long.
- The time off work is more than I can afford.
- I don't even know what I'm doing it for.
- Etc., etc., etc.
Then, as quickly as I'd seen it, the excuse would evaporate and be gone, as if it had never existed, and I'd move forward to the next one.
I continued to make my way through my House of Excuses (all the while, completing my Sun Salutations, mind you!), until I'd made it all the way to the very last mirror and excuse: "I don't want to."
The excuse was simple and childish, but relentless. The mirror didn't evaporate immediately the way the others had. Twenty minutes into my practice, I was still staring it in the face, "I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to."
I was about to take that as my answer. It didn't feel very inspiring, but if that was the true answer of my heart, wasn't it up to me to honor it?
Yoga practice continued. The teacher instructed us into Virabhadrasana II, where we stayed for several breaths.
Then, something: I caught a glimpse of the woman practicing next to me. She had a beautiful and dedicated practice. Her body was strong and capable. But for a split second, I saw her as Maty might have seen her: with potential to learn more about the pose. I felt this insane desire to run to her mat and adjust her into a deeper angle. Her body was so ready for it! It would be such a magical movement to witness! Growth, trust, dedication, happiness...
Boom! There it was: a little lightening bolt shot straight through the last mirror in the house.
I did want to do this.
In fact, I wanted this so badly that I feared it. I feared that I'd mess it up somehow. I feared that I wasn't worthy. I feared that I'd show up and realize the joke was on me: I wasn't good enough. And in fear, I'd carefully crafted an elaborate House of Excuses, to deflect my attention away from my vulnerability and self-doubt.
But now my House of Excuses had completely evaporated. And in its place, stood the answer to my question: total peace.
I completed the rest of my yoga practice that morning in a state of quiet and calm. My fear was gone. My self-doubt was diminished. I had no further questions.
I was ready to practice with Maty.
Quiet And Interesting
I've been training with Maty for a week, now. It probably goes without saying, but none of my fears were at all justified.
On the first day, she had us holding a particularly challenging version of high lunge. Our collective discomfort and aggravation was palpable. Our bodies trembled, our hips cried out, our breathing tensed. We wanted out.
Maty's response was this:
"No drama here. Be patient. Wait for the pose to become quiet and interesting."
I exhaled, and relaxed. And once more, I felt that sense of assured quiet and calm I'd felt a month earlier as I dismantled my House of Excuses. Peace.
Even when it's hard. Even when I'm tired, and feel out of my league, and wonder why I chose to be trembling on my mat when I could be cozying up on the couch with my husband. Even then I know I am right where I am supposed to be.
I trust this process.